If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
