i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
