I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
