I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize