Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
