He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
