you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
