she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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