Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
