Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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