you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
