Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize