i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
