drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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