i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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