This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
