Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
