Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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