my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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