guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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