i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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