At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
