Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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