i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize