If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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