in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
how does that bad decision feel?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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