are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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