I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
