I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
cat food counts as protein by the way
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
