i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i now understand why vodka
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
