he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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