3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
