Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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