I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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