Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
