You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize