I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
