This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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