My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
