fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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