he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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