$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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