My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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