I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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