Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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