You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
