I look better un-naked...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
