'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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