I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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