so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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