sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
