I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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