I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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