I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You've changed since you got that strap on
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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