Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize