Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
