I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
