also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im holly from the hills drunk
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize