I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
